Im Struck

Infatuation has struck me from out of nowhere.

You’re all that I want.

My cheeks turn red.

My heart beats faster.

Its a new beginning.

Ami

I guess there’s no such thing as too much.

I’ll stick my head in the sunshine, i will learn to bend when the wind blows.

There’s nothing like flowers blooming.

Windy weather sweeps me off my feet.

If the birds could sing they would sing about how amazing the world is.

Ill learn to learn and re-learn,

And down they will fall like the leaves,

and they will never rise up

for thou shall not offer salvation to their souls

souls filled with selfishness, misery and the attempt to gain pleasure in everything one does

they dont deserve this, they didnt even bow down to You

there’s nothing one can do,

one can only, let it be,

Don’t Hassle with the Erik

 

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Farewell.

Fast isnt it? Time blows me away. Its raining tonight by the way. I just love the cool breeze and the sounds of the wet roads as cars drive past. Its little things like this I fail to cherish sometimes.

And like the blowing wind, 4 years blew past me just like that. I remember how I used to drag my fat ass to school everyday, spiking my hair up and trying to look cool for the girls at school. I smile every time i glance back at memories. How I used to bully Isaac Chai and team up with the rest of the boys ambush-ing Ivan Hong. Those were my only discipline cases i got involved with surprisingly.

Major exams gonna end soon, last major paper this friday.  Gotta attend a 40 day remembrance ceremony of the death of my aunt on saturday. I still remember how hard I cried that morning. Felt good actually, to cry out hard after so long. I even witnessed my dad cried for the first time in my life. My egoistic old man never cries. I still remember how i stood by her grave as the imam read out words of worship and grief. How my half brother’s son who was 5 tried to console me of my dreadful tears.

Well thats it from me now,

—–

—–

today should be better remembered as a black day. I watched as my coffin was nailed one by one.  I kept asking Him, is this what he had written for me? I accepted to leave everything in his hands. I’ll just have to take it in. But for all I know, this is not the end.

Someone like you,

I dreamt of you again last night. I wonder what it meant. All my dreams seem so over the edge . As if it would happen and sweep me away. Maybe I’m just being fearful. Maybe I’m being foolish, fooling myself with infatuation. But I know its not. I know its way more that what I see, it really is something inside, something deep. Something I dare not discover, something true, something pure.

But, why now?

& congrats to F1 2009 World Champion, Jenson Button

Uh oh,

Apparently you’re unhappy with my previous post. Its okay, I respect your views. But whats typed out here are my views and therefore they are my problems. I do not understand your frustration. Why? are you just like the people I described? Well if you are, I am not surprised. You do not understand what these people Im referring to are like, therefore do not accuse me, I know exactly who they are.

I shall not talk more about them. And no, I was not trying to say that I got a better life than them.

I welcome you with open arms to engage in a conversation with me. Sound your views, stand up and speak up.

I’ll see you in 10 years time.

Honestly, I have got nothing but a million critic about a certain family that I am related to. Was on msn with a certain cousin, and she was like ” you’re sweet 16 and still virgin” . I could not believe she just typed that out. She is 17 and prolly had gotten screwed by dozens of malay dudes around her neighbourhood. She stopped school for a good 8 months before smoke got into her brain telling her she’ll never have a future. I was fucking disgusted by her remarks although they werent hateful. Is the situation in her family really this bad that they have lost ALL their moral values?

Her elder sister has quit school, now im thinking those ITE students are far better than these sluts im related to. And she does not even bother getting a job just because her fucked up boyfriend insisted that she dont. This is totally hilarious to me, yes, if you’re malay and you’re 25-27 and you’re married, yes its fine. But you are 18 and you do not even poses the minimum N Level certificate. Come on, this is not 1973, where you’re a woman without education and can just get married and have a good life ( that is if you’re husband is hardworking ). Her lover is just another dropout, prolly making his money through gang related businesses, courier jobs, or trafficking drugs around the western Singapore.

These pair of sisters have 2 younger brothers, 15 and 13. I guess it just runs in the family. The one who is 13 is currently under juvenile control with a 7pm curfew and he has to return to juve home every weekend. He got into a court case after he and some friends beat up 2 kids in their neighbourhood, apparently an attempted ambush, the fella got away on S$6000 bail. The one who’s 15? I dont even know fuck about him, we used to be close when we were kids, he used to come by my place and stay over, I guess people change. And every single thing that lies around them as they sleep has every part to play.

Father works as a cleaning director/manager/supervisor of some sort, mum is a cook for one of the army camps. Their father, my uncle, works 8am to 10pm daily as he had decided to just fucking earn money and forget about all the home affairs. He basicly gave up on his four children. Mum? Quiet as a mouse, her children’s wishes are her command. She gives them the face and everything they want. I dont even know what these people are thinking.

Their neighbourhood has an important role to play on how they turned out to be like this. They live in the western district of Singapore = Jurong West. Yes, an interesting place, with Jurong Point and all the foreign workers hanging around during the weekend at Boon Lay MRT. I would say, one of the worst housing areas in Singapore, gang activities, drug trafficking and abuse have taken place in this area over the past few years and are still active. Why my uncle decided to move? Because it was cheap. They own a corner 5 Lsized HDB apartment. I have been around there, and I didnt like what I saw. The great majority of malay residents makes the place a living hell and you either gotta be uneducated, trying to save money, or just plain stupid to purchase an apartment in that area. Kids at the age of 11 draw their arms down using a permanent marker dreaming that someday they’ll be a bad ass gangster with hardcore tattoos like their siblings, friends or neighbours.

These people basicly do not think for the future at all. At all. I discussed this with people around me and they agree. They way they think is basicly, how to get $50 today and how to ‘fuck my girlfriend tonight’. Not aware of the consequences. I have seen teenagers younger than me pushing baby prams around town. And to have people like this in the family, is just embarrassing and just disgusting. They picture my family as a pious one and one that has no control over our lives, we’ll see who has no control, soon enough.

I wouldnt be suprised if at least 2 of them ends up in prison, lets give it a 15 year timespan, starting from today.

Maybe I should give up, give in.

Its really hard to explain how I feel or am thinking.

Steady lonesome gaze has its every meaning.

For those who see me everyday,

Maybe she’s destined for that,

Or maybe Im destined for better things.

Im just wasting my time worrying

For someone who never really cared.

Disappointment, why may I ask?

I want my victory march,

In the name of the most merciful,

I Shouldnt Be Here.

Spent my whole afternoon sleeping, got up to watch the movie , Alfie. Pretty sad ending I guess, the 4th time Im watching it. The days to, what I like t call, judgement day, are coming. Less than 85 days. Im just afraid if I fall short of whats expected. I need motivation. I need something, someone, to please help me. I feel really lonesome, broken, every morning I wake up to a melancholic tune. With every second passing, my future seems more uncertain. I know that I have to work, work and work. Word hard, to avoid pain and gain pleasure. Aint that what we all want?  Its as if something is stopping from even trying to achieve what I want. I know that time just is not there. Or as if something is doing it for me, which I do not want to believe.

My days now are just cold and broken, sleepless nights, dead afternoons. I’ll fall, and fall hard this time if I do not achieve what I want. Miracles do happen and has happened before, but like the guys like to say, not everyday is a Sunday. I really do not know where to start. Where to begin. I need the push. I feel like Im just not how I am supposed to be. Im too far left behind, and if only, someone would get off that carriage and pull me back up.

I want my victory march at the end of this, everyone does.

So God help me,